Parenting comes with plenty of big decisions: cloth diapers or disposables, piano lessons or karate, broccoli or bribery with dessert. But one of the sneaky little choices we make every day—how we compliment our kids—has a surprising amount of science behind it.
We all want to build our children’s confidence, and a heartfelt “Great job!” can feel like the perfect way to do it. But research suggests that not all praise is created equal. Complimenting your child’s efforts instead of just the outcomes might be the secret sauce to raising resilient, motivated kids. Let’s dive into the science of praise, and explore how a few simple shifts can make a huge difference.
The Praise Problem
Imagine this: Your child aces a math test, and you beam, “You’re so smart!” Sounds great, right? But according to research, this kind of praise can come with unintended side effects. Compliments like “You’re so talented” or “You’re a natural” focus on fixed traits—things kids might feel they either have or don’t.
Now picture this: The next test is harder, and they struggle. If they’ve been praised for being “smart,” they might think, “Wait, maybe I’m not that smart after all.” Instead of embracing the challenge, they could shy away, fearing failure will expose their limits.
This is where effort-based praise swoops in to save the day.
Effort vs. Outcome: The Science of Praise
Dr. Carol Dweck, a leading psychologist and researcher at Stanford University, has extensively studied the effects of praise on children. Her research on “mindset” revealed that the way we praise can shape a child’s belief about themselves and their abilities.
- Outcome-Based Praise (“You’re so smart”): Encourages a fixed mindset, where children see their abilities as unchangeable. They may avoid challenges to protect their image.
- Effort-Based Praise (“You worked really hard”): Cultivates a growth mindset, where children see effort as the path to improvement. They’re more likely to embrace challenges and persist in the face of setbacks.
In one of Dweck’s landmark studies, children were divided into two groups and given puzzles to solve. One group was praised for their intelligence (“You’re so smart!”), while the other was praised for their effort (“You worked really hard!”). When given the option to tackle harder puzzles, the “smart” group often avoided them, fearing failure. Meanwhile, the “hard work” group dove in, eager for the challenge.
The Magic of Effort-Based Praise
Effort-based praise sends a powerful message: Your abilities can grow with effort. It flips failure on its head, turning it into a stepping stone rather than a dead end.
Here’s why it works:
- It emphasizes control: Kids realize they can control their success through effort, not some magical, innate talent.
- It normalizes struggle: Challenges and setbacks aren’t signs of failure—they’re proof you’re learning.
- It builds resilience: When kids believe they can improve, they’re more likely to keep going when things get tough.
How to Master the Art of Praising Effort
Switching gears to effort-based praise isn’t hard, but it does take a little mindfulness. Here are some practical tips:
- Be Specific:
Instead of vague praise like “Good job,” call out what they did well.- Outcome Praise: “You’re so good at drawing!”
- Effort Praise: “I love how much detail you added to that tree. You spent so much time making it perfect!”
- Highlight Strategies:
Notice the steps your child took to solve a problem or reach a goal.- “You figured out a great way to organize your toys!”
- “I saw you trying different ways to solve that math problem until you got it. That’s impressive!”
- Celebrate Perseverance:
Praise them for sticking with it, especially when things get hard.- “You kept practicing even when it was tough. That’s why you’re improving so much!”
- Reframe Mistakes:
Help your child see mistakes as part of the learning process.- “I know this didn’t work the way you wanted, but I’m proud of how you tried a new approach. What could we do differently next time?”
- Be Genuine:
Kids can sniff out fake praise faster than you can say “Great job!” Keep it authentic and meaningful.
When to Use Outcome-Based Praise
Don’t toss “outcome” praise completely out the window—it has its place, too. Celebrating achievements like “You did it!” or “You won the game!” is important, but balance it with effort-based praise that acknowledges the journey.
The Long-Term Payoff
What’s the end game? Kids who embrace challenges, love learning, and bounce back from setbacks. Effort-based praise plants the seeds of grit, resilience, and curiosity—qualities that serve them well long after they’ve outgrown their LEGO sets.
Research from The Journal of Experimental Psychology has shown that adults with a growth mindset tend to achieve more and report higher levels of satisfaction in their personal and professional lives. By praising effort, you’re not just encouraging your child to solve today’s puzzle—you’re giving them the tools to tackle life’s biggest challenges.
Final Thoughts
Parenting is a balancing act, and praise is just one piece of the puzzle. But it’s a powerful one. By shifting the focus from “What did you achieve?” to “How did you get there?” we can help our children build confidence, resilience, and a love of learning.
So the next time your child shows you a crayon masterpiece or aces a spelling test, take a moment. Notice their effort, their persistence, their problem-solving. Then let them know you see it.
Because in the grand scheme of things, raising kids who aren’t afraid to try, fail, and try again? That’s the ultimate “Great job!”